holy sh*t I had a miscarriage

On July 5th I took a pregnancy test on a whim! My husband & I were going to have a glass of Rosé so I decided to pee on a stick. I went to the bathroom peed in a cup stuck the stick in the cup, counted for 20 seconds, and then set it flat on the counter for 2 minutes. To my surprise there was some sort of/a faint line! (the top pee stick in the photo was the first one I took if you’re curious) I brought it out to my husband to ask if he saw a second line or if I was just crazy! He agreed that there was in fact sometime of line!

Then of course I texted @gracielovekin the photo & asked if I was seeing things. I figured she’s done this before so she would know!

Here is how my text convo went to my bestie –

Me: “Ummmm Grace. . . I don’t want to get to excited BUT I just took a test and there’s a faint faint line.

Grace: “YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!! You’re preggo!!! Omg! I’m so excited.

She ended up calling me & we were both freaking out! Grace mentioned to get another test for the morning, just too clarify and be sure we all weren’t seeing things.

So, of course my husband & I had to bike (it was my husbands idea) to the store with the new bike he got me for my birthday! I find out I’m pregnant & minutes later I’m biking to the store on a hottest summer day! I was still in disbelief so I had to get a pack that had two tests in it so I could take another one that night & save the second one for in the morning!

After our bike ride I went straight to the bathroom and repeated the pregnancy test steps! Spoiler alert! It had the same positive result!

I ended up having to go to my parents house because I needed more progesterone pills. When I was around 19 or 20 I got my hormones tested & found out I was low progesterone. Maybe I should do a blog post about hormones to go into more detail but progesterone is an important hormone in the female body! I was told by my hormone doctor that once I find out I’m pregnant I need to up my dose & take it everyday. Well I used my last pills because I was suppose to get my period so I don’t need to take my pills for a little bit.

Side note – I took a test 4 days before my expected period & it was negative so I didn’t think I was going to be pregnant this time. (Oh I should probably mention that we were trying for a baby since April!)

We ended up telling both of our parents that night because I’m honestly the type of person that can’t hide anything! They were over the moon excited and shocked, just like we were.

Currently I don’t even know how far along I am. I don’t think I’m too far along as I found out on the day I was suppose to get my period. My only symptoms so far are my boobs hurt & I’m more tired than I usually am. I’ll admit maybe I’m even a little moody at times! But that’s all I’m currently feeling. Although I will admit I’m anticipating when the heightened sense of smell hits / morning sickness ( or all day sickness ) happens. That’s one of the things I’m most fearful of since I have fear of getting sick. Weird I know but it triggers a lot of my anxiety. I guess just the unknown of how I’m going to feel! With that being said I’m doing my best just to take it day by day & focus on the positives because you can’t really control how you will feel when you’re pregnant!

It doesn’t even feel real. My period is 8 days late & I still have to remind myself I’m actually pregnant. I don’t think it will sink in until I’ve had an ultrasound or my belly starts to show! But I’m so excited! I’m looking forward to getting out of the first trimester & finding out the sex of the baby because let’s get real I personally could not wait until the actual birth to find out! Props to all you ladies who did.

I still can’t believe I’m pregnant but man am I excited to be this babies Mama!


August 28, 2019 – I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. I started spotting on August 14th nothing alarming, although I did keep track of it. But today I started having really bad period cramps. I was bleeding a littler heavier & I kept having to go to the bathroom because the cramps were so painful. I made my husband come to the bathroom with me because I was scared about what was potentially going to happen. Just like that I felt something drop. Once it was over the cramps stop & I just sat there & cried. Why me?

The next day I went to get an ultrasound & my body was completely back to normal. It actually amazing me! The female body is insane! Now I’m able to go back to my normal activities like nothing even happened.

Feelings. . . This is the weird part. I’m a cryer & boy have I been crying! My husband and I both feel for this being a not so fun situation we had the best case scenario. It can always be worse! I’m thankful it happened naturally. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in shock but I almost have to remind myself that we lost our baby. My body did not fail me. It knew what to do. I have moments when I think of my life & play the woe is me card. It’s not right but we all do it when we are knocked down. See I’ve had to deal with being a Sister to a special needs Brother. That hasn’t been the easiest thing but I got through it with the help of my family! I learned to turn it into a positive because it makes you think differently when you have life challenges. I also struggled with a learning disability. I hated school & felt stupid! Again with the help of my family I got through it & learned that because of my learning disability it’s made me smarter in other areas! So what I’m not good at school! When it came to me having a family of my own, I prayed that it would be a good normal experience! I wanted to enjoy this part of my life. Since I had all these other struggles under my belt at times I felt like I deserved for something to go my way for once! But that’s not how God works. Here is another experience under my belt & I need to learn how to turn this one into a positive life lesson. Shit happens! I don’t “deserve” anything just because I feel like my life has been pretty challenging. God uses these down times to test your character & for you to know you are not along, just keep your eyes on him.

My husband has been so amazing through this whole experience! It’s really brought us closer. I couldn’t imagine how he is feeling too. One of the first things he said to me was, “It wasn’t anything you or your body did. It happens. For better or for worse.” Ugh I love home so much! He is my rock!

I guess now we just wait & when the time comes try again! Honestly I’m scared. I don’t want to let my fear ruin what’s to come but it’s hard to think about the next time. What’s going to be different? I’m scared my pregnancy symptoms are going to be different since I had it easy the first time around. No feeling nauseas. I only had sore boobs & I was really tired even though I was sleeping ten hours a night! But that was it! I felt good & was taking it day by day. I guess that’s what I have to do the next time around. Maybe when the time comes I should just go for it & see what happens.

The reason why I’m sharing this with you is because I know a lot of you can unfortunately relate. I also realize for me it’s apart of the healing process. I need to talk about it & cry some more, so I can release my emotions / not bottle them up! Miscarriage happens & it’s it’s a traumatic experience but it doesn’t define your outcome for what’s next! Remember it could always be worse! Be strong & go through all the emotions. Lean on your partner / family. You’ll know when the time is right to share your story or try again! Don’t be ashamed because that pregnancy deserves to be celebrated even though it didn’t carry on. You are not alone!

– Jess

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